Well this is going to be a quick blog as I am heading out in a few moments but I just wanted to lament for a bit.
Just shy of a year ago, I was busy packing my bags for a trip of a lifetime into the depths of Africa to visit our nearest relatives, the gorillas. Filled with much trepidation, I was glad for the company of my mate. Honestly I don't think I would have done it without the arm-twisting of my friend.
It did turn out to be a trip of a lifetime, one that made me fall in love with Africa all over again - and subsequently I have been floating around the UK like a lost fart in a perfume factory ever since.
Much has changed in my life since then, with steely determination I am trying to make a go of freelance journalism and am trying to live according to my soul's desires. It isn't easy and at times I feel like throwing in the towel and returning to the stomach-churning world of IT but God-willing I will make my dreams come true. Things are looking up now, so hold thumbs this brief rocky period will soon be over.
Now for the lament...Africa. I miss it intensely but am not sure if I can go back there permanently. Having lived in the UK for so many years, can I still call myself African? People that have never lived abroad may not understand but as I sit here today I am kinda without nationality. I am neither African nor a Brit. Africa changed and so have I. When I speak to people still living in SA, I see this wide gap between their ways and my own. In order to survive in the UK I adapted my ways. I will never be a Brit but there are elements of me that are more Brit then SA. So where do I belong, where do I fit in this global blueprint?
I keep telling myself it is time to move on, maybe Italy. The truth is what I hunt will not be found in Europe or Australia. Africa holds my heart - like a possessive lover, it refuses to let go. I can hear the words "Go home" gently carried across the wind but I am fearful of returning and no longer belonging there.
There are no easy answers to these questions. For now this little lost African will continue to mimic the British ways and hope that one day the spirit Gods will lead me to the place that is home, wherever that may be.
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2 comments:
There are probably a few hundred thousand other displaced South Africans who know exactly what you mean and feel the same. So even though you may not feel like one or the other, don't forget there's a third option that fits the likes of us perfectly: We're citizens of the World - licensed to go anywhere, do anything, and forge our own way.
Home is where you make it Jax. Not the other way around.
L xxx
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